Pretending to be me

I find myself working really hard at playing the roll of who I used to be. I enjoyed entertaining, always had family or friends around. Since both Guilain-Barre Syndrome (GBS) and Chiari 1 are fairly invisible, I was often greeted with "you look great, you must be feeling good." It's a real conversation stopper to reply "No, actually, I'm going to have brain surgery and I barely have enough energy to stand here and talk with you." I think it makes me feel a little better to know I am not worrying those who matter to me. But I'm realizing it takes a lot of energy to pretend to be the same energetic person I used to be.
Three years ago my father was diagnosed with inoperable cancer and was gone in 6 months. He was in a tremendous amount of pain but always tried to great his visitors with his typical smile and good conversation. One of the first times he asked not to have any visitors his home care provider explained something to us. She said it takes a lot of energy to sit up or stand and carry on a conversation when you are dealing with pain. She told my father that he needed to know when to tell people that he just wasn't up for company. I get that now.
Granted, I am no where near the point my father was, but I often find myself feeling totally exhausted once we have been out or have hosted some guests. It takes much longer to regain that strength than it did to loose it.
There is, however, something to be said for forcing yourself into social settings. Some days it would be so much easier to shut everyone and everything out. But then I would loose a precious day. Being around people we love and who love us is very therapeutic. It's the pretending that drains us.